Over the past five years - so much emphasis has gone into PRESENTATION tools - into speaking - that its easy to overlook LISTENING and the role listening plays. Yet, is it not what we're really aiming for in a presentation tool, one that allows you to ask questions, and revise your presentation on the fly? How would you know how to revise your presentation - unless there was listening? So listening is there - its just been overshadowed.
This became clear to me yesterday...
Yesterday I went to, David, my Sisters husband's Birthday party. It was out in Orillia at the marina where David has a boat moored.
There were too many people to all go to Big Chief Island in the boat so we mostly just gathered on the Dock and ate food and talked. Mildred, David's Mother arrived a bit into the festivities - I didn't notice her arrival - when I did see her she was standing there alone looking a bit lost. So I sidled up to her and she said that since she'd arrived her son had not said a word to her - or even looked her way. I could see that David was pretty busy with all the guests, some he'd not seen for a while - and on top of this he's been going through a major heath crisis. So I asked Mildred how her teeth were (I heard from my sister that she'd had a root canal earlier in the month). She told me how much major work she'd had over the last month - five or six visits - on top of her son's illness. One story rolled into the next, lots of wounds over the years, her experiences at David's childbirth. Stories with some lurking pain, but also teaching stories with something to learn in them. We sat together on the dock and mostly I just listened to them - with one or two comments in-between.
Three hours later we were parting and Mildred was not the same person that I first saw on that dock, she had opened up and when we said our goodby's she told the gathering that she'd hadn't met such a fine conversationalist in a long time. Caro winked at me, and I could see that David appreciated that someone had listened to his Mum.
I was alone on the ride back from Orillia, left to reflect on the day. It was just such a fine example of how listening can be a balm for wounds and conflict. Listening, real listening is a medicine each of us can offer.
Here's Stephan Covey saying much the same thing in his "Indian Talking Stick Technique".
Our words can be medicine, can provide clarity and empathy, as can listening. They seem to go hand in hand. Perhaps that's why when we've spoken to a group in a monlogue, and its not been participatory, or we've not really had a chance to actively listen to the group - we feel a vague unease - like half of the communication has been suspended - a feeling of incompleteness.
But its also true that when you've been part of a gathering and its been your turn to offer through words, if you've stepped back - this too has a feeling of incompleteness. Perhaps this is why dialogue and rapport are so satisfying human experiences.
Can we listen for cultural healing?
Saturday, 25 August 2012
"John, I've got your book on Story - by Robert McKee."
"Oh, yes I was wondering where it went. Is my name written inside the front jacket?"
"Yes it is." "John?"
"Yes, Mark."
"I was going through Chapter 14 - the Principle of Antagonism and I got carried away and forgot that it was your book. And...I started marking it up."
"How badly!"
"Pretty badly, most of its underlined. Some of its hightlighted, I've bracketed most of the quotes and then there's the comments that I've written in the margins - oh yes, and the usual dog ears, maybe about twenty all told."
"Twenty! How can you dog ear twenty pages in one chapter?"
"After I'd started I could not restrain myself and I continued the pattern for the remaining chapters - then went back to previously untouched chapters and began the process there. I guess, since I'm telling you this, I better add that there's some double dog ears for the really important pages."
"The book sounds like its now unreadable to anyone else."
"John, can I tell you a story about my Dad, because it may be hereditary?"
"Really do you have to?"
"Its a short one."
"That's what you say about all your stories... But I guess go ahead."
"Not that I believe the same thing, but Dad would have considered personal commentary to be value added - and often tried to return books that he'd marked up in a similar way. Usually just the first few chapters - they would have a scattering of, "rubbish", "complete rubbish", "lunacy", "imbecile", "half-wit". When these comments, and others like them, became so thick that he'd be forced to abandon reading the book for his own sanity, he would head back to the local BookCity to return it. Dad considered his markups - to be value added & informative to the next reader - and could not understand the booksellers inability to see his point of view."
"So, Mark, what your suggesting is that your markups of my book are in someway 'value added'."
"Not exactly, but maybe if you'd try reading it, marked up, so to speak, you may find it useful."
"Useful! Now look here, you asked to borrow MY copy of the book after you lost YOURS. You've kept it for two years and now you want to return it, MARKED up. And your suggesting that this might in some way be USEFUL to ME!"
It seems to be a nearly universal human attribute for us to get much more interested when we sense conflict. All of our senses are heightened. I've noticed this as I'm reading a book, there's background and setting and I'm reading along, then comes these few lines of conflict, and I catch myself reading intently and sometimes re-reading those lines.
By the way this conflict has not happened - between John and I, yet. So its fictional. Most of what happens between John and I is not "newsworthy" or "storyworthy". It's simply us connecting on a frequent basis - just like the many day to day events of our life. But story disappears most of this and focuses on The Inciting Incident, as a means to set up The Conflict, and then hopefully, The Resolution. Here's a few levels that conflict thrives, according to Robert McKee.
Well its a Saturday, so I'm going to end this blog here. Love feedback or questions...;-)
p.s. John, I might have exaggerated things a bit - for the sake of the story ;-)
Note: no names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Even though yesterday's blog ended in an inspiring video by Nike, it was a depressing thought to end the blog by highlighting the pervasive and vital role of conflict in storytelling.
Some of us might ask, "Can't we move past conflict." Which I think is implicit in the Nike ad. And yes, that's the vital point of story - how we resolve the conflict. How we resolve the conflict is the substance of the story - you might call it the cause that's imbedded in story. How we move past our conflict with our environment, our neighbors, and our own internal conflicts.
Are any of you tired of the simple revenge and retaliate motif favored by some action stories? Here's a NEW classic in this genre...in case you've missed it...;-)
The most obvious Hollywood action motif is for a huge injustice to be
perpetrated on some unsuspecting innocent (or recently innocent)
individual or family (now add community or society) - then for the remainder of the film the main
character(s) (some of which have renounced warfare) are compelled into seeking revenge and retaliation - to annihilate the foe.
I've notice that we're combining the disaster film motif with the revenge motif. I think Resident Evil adds Zombe's to this motif.
Isn't this the time to be exploring new stories? I see new motif's emerging - the Disney movie Brave comes to mind?
Is this exploration of forms of conflict resolution the very DNA of story? Does this remind you of any stories or movies?
Would it be fair to say that there are Old Story motifs and New Story Motifs?
Could you also call this the Old Story Hero (or Leader) or the New Story Hero (Leader)
could you also put these styles in conflict: Old Story vs. New Story? etc.
Maybe this is a good time to introduce Story Wars a book by Jonah Sacks. Here Jonah reveals a clear conflict (War)
that we should care about - between stories (advertising) that create
inadequacy / dependency, and stories (ads) that empower us.
This ad for his book I'll likely return to later but - Jonah defines the conflict and the old and new stories and also how to Win (resolve) the Story Wars.
Do storytellers define the conflict and then act as a kind of "conflict resolution" expert?
Do the kind of stories that I'm drawn to resolve conflicts in a most compelling and creative way?
I'm going to dwell on this... its a good time to end this blog for today.
When you work you are a flute through
whose heart the whispering of the hours
turns to music.
Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent,
When all else sings together in unison?
Always you have been told that work is
a curse and labour a misfortune.
But I say to you that when you work you fulfill
a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you
when the dream was born,
And in keeping yourself with labor you
are in truth loving life,
and to love life's labor is to be intimate
with life's innermost secret.
From The Profit by Khalil Gibran (by way of Inspire by Lance Secretan)
To love life's labor - seems more like fulfilling a calling - rather than work.
Angelo - who runs Willow Beach Convenience Store - is someone who unquestionably loves life's labor - and who I think has found his calling.
It's hard not to be drawn to people like Angelo - they do seem to hold a secret. There aren't that many who come to my mind - the No Crap Lama, in Jiri, just outside of Nepal, is one - a cab driver in Vancouver, another..
A friend Linda, a gardener, who tends her garden even late into the night if the moon is full enough for her to work.
She told me about Willow Beach on Lake Simcoe. We went there on one of the busiest days of the summer - Angelo's son was working the bbq stand outside and serving ice-cream at the Convenience inside. Angelo was on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor. I was curious to find out why. That was the beginning of a number of return visits this summer.
"Mister," I can hear Angelo saying. "I love my work. What else would I be doing?"
"What about your TV, or your couch Angelo?" I replied.
"But I love the people."
And with his wide, well worked hand passing across a narrow parkette that he own's, beyond which the sun was setting into a golden lake.
"I love the view, Mister."
"What about winter Angelo."
"Winter is beautiful here."
"But there can't be many people." I added.
"There's a few ice fisherman out on the lake."
"But it must be cold."
"Oh on some days. One day last winter I had to move the BBQ right in front of this window, and work the BBQ from inside the store."
"You ran the outside BBQ all winter!" I said shocked.
"Yes, last year I only missed one day. It was a real storm that day - minus 40 and blowing off the lake."
I was a bit shocked and disbelieving, so Angelo, ushered me over to some pictures on the wall of his Convienence in winter - he had some supporting visual aids.
"See how beautiful it is, Mister."
What marketing I thought, now I feel like visiting Angelo in winter.
I looked at the pictures and just shook my head.
"I love it Mister, I just love it."
Here's a picture taken from the rocks at the end of Angelo's pier - this summer:
I'll take one of Angelo and his Convenience Store, next time I visit and upload.
I've come to discover every little encounter - if you have a bit of time - will turn into one of Angelo's well crafted, participatory, brief teaching encounters. It can start anywhere, a chance comment - or observation - or a question of any kind - which leads to something that's just happened - which in turn leads to a lesson that's anything BUT improvised - a teaching that's delivered with conviction and a great sense of timing. I've heard some good ones over the last month or so... on the importance of Give and Take, on WHY he does what he does, on his motto of Clean and Fresh! On doing everything you can, and then leaving it completely to (then Angelo points upward). Angelo's ongoing message is gratitude to his customer - in everything he does - he expresses his gratitude.
Now there's something that I feel is important here - its not just that Angelo loves his work, but under this calling I believe lurks a CAUSE (how can it be otherwise really?).
I discovered it one day when I asked Angelo why he worked so hard (he opens at 7 am and there he is giving us free hot dogs at 9 pm) - of course I got the ususal, "Because I love it, Mister."
"But truthfully," I said, "you don't need to work so hard do you? There's a few more days in the winter that you didn't need to open the store or fire up the BBQ - you don't need that extra money - do you?"
"No, Mister, no. I don't need the money."
Then Angelo seemed momentarily lost for words.
Maybe I should have remained quite, but I added in a whisper, "What about the people, Angelo."
"They seem so stressed," Angelo replied right away.
"When they arrive here they're not so happy but when they leave here they are happier and more relaxed."
"And kinder to each other." I added - from my own experience.
"That's it Mister, you got it. Its exactly that, they're kinder to each other."
So somewhere there is a CAUSE definitely lurking.
But as a storyteller I won't be lulled into thinking that all its all so lovely, actually, what a storyteller knows is that hidden under the surface of everything remotely associated with being human is... CONFLICT!
And, if and when we eliminate all the external conflicts (like those so focused on - in the Action genre). Then all the internal conflicts, starting with boredom, unleash themselves upon us - leading to an existential crisis (which tosses us to the other extreme - the Soap Opera genre).
Not long ago Angelo asked me to sign a petition - to stop a neighboring grocery store from setting up a competing hot dog stand on the side of the road across from him.
Finally here's some conflict in paradise!
Last week Angelo thanked me for helping his successful petition - as though I was the sole reason for his success. Then he pauses in emotion and then relates how he kept quiet during the hearing of the petition and let his son speak before the court, who Angelo states, was so much better spoken, even than the other lawyer. Angelo was just bursting with pride (and he even managed to slip in another life's lesson - for good measure).
So where's the conflict here?
Isn't there simply conflict from being alive. At a basic level many things die so that we may live. And the reality of our own mortality, we're generally in conflict with that. Then loving our neighbor as ourselves - that's a pretty tall order, given my neighbors. Not to even mention the other commandments. NOW we've got the entire eco-system that we as humans seem to have run into conflict with. Conflict with the very life support systems of the planet. Not to mention government condoned torture - should we not be in "conflict" with this. To be aligned with a cause, to overcome our own demon's and addictions - is this not to be in "conflict" with something. Do cause and conflict go together?
Sometimes in the story the Conflict is only alluded to - even though the Cause is pretty clear:
What do you think of Nike's ad - Find Your Greatness - is it exploiting obesity? Or is it challenging the status quo? Is it alluding a truth that is often hidden - or is it manipulating us?
Next blog I will reflect some more on conflict and the storytellers craft. Not sure where it will lead - but that's the beauty of the blog. Part diary, part exploration, part story, part Shared Adventure...
